Chapter 4 — A Kvass, Please (Numbness in the Shelter of Mutual Gaze)

Mother coughed. She couldn't even get out of bed. I rushed to find a notebook and a pen. Grabbing the medicine bottle, I quickly brought a tray containing porridge and water from the kitchen to Mother’s room.

—I didn't get married because I still have wounds. Marriage must be based on mature commitment, not just chasing happiness. I don't want my wounds to spread to my children someday,” explained Ara, a forty-two-year-old psychiatrist. Meanwhile, Karina is a twenty-seven-year-old medical intern.—

The smell of cigarettes wafted in, making my nose twitch and itch. A strong gust of wind tore at my skin, followed by the roar of thunder that disturbed my sleep.

“Karina, wake up, or we’ll be late to the lab,” a vibrating bass voice resonated in my ear.

My eyes opened slowly. I vaguely saw Libra approaching me. His arm crossed over my stomach, reaching for the lever of my car seat that had reclined back, pulling it until I was sitting upright. I finally woke up completely.

I turned the watch on my wrist; the short hand pointed to four. How many hours had I been asleep since the airport? The sun was beginning to rise in the dark sky. Mrs. Gita was still asleep in the middle seat. My neck twisted as I watched Libra walk to the back. Quickly, I got out of the car, finding Libra sitting on the open trunk.

The drizzle left a dampness on the ground. The early morning cold clashed with the warm smoke billowing from the cigarette Libra was smoking.

“Aren’t you exhausted?” I asked, looking intently into his eyes.

He shook his head. I sat down beside him.

“I feel bad for you. Coming straight from the hospital and jumping on a plane to China for research. Have you eaten?” He asked back. He dropped his cigarette onto the asphalt, the embers crushed under his shoe.

“I have.” I nodded while huddling and hugging my knees. My long pants couldn't even ward off the cold gnawing at my legs.

“Who are we working so hard for, anyway?” Libra asked softly, as his breath exhaled into the quiet wind. Both of his hands rested on the edge of the car trunk.

I didn't answer; I just daydreamed. My eyes watched the dew falling from the trees.

“Is Mrs. Gita awake yet?” I asked, looking into his murky eyes.

“Not yet, Mom is still sleeping in the van.”

⋆｡ ﾟ ☁︎｡ ⋆｡⚛︎ ﾟ ☾ ﾟ ｡ ⋆

The dim starlight glowed darkly, embracing a night illuminated by skyscrapers. As a heavy blizzard attacked, soaking our black-on-black attire, pouring out grief.

After the research, the sad news arrived. Libra held back tears in the corner of the room. I hugged his frail body tightly. His mother had just passed away from congenital heart complications. I felt a true sense of loss; she had always been there for us. I poured out my sobs outside the room; I didn't want to give Libra a deeper wound.

Suddenly, my eyes caught someone. Among dozens of people busy crossing the street, he stood still just like me, in thick black clothes and with swollen eyes.

We locked eyes as we crossed at the red light. The sound of the pedestrian signal filled my ears, people running so as not to be hit. His hand hooked mine, urging me to hurry across the street amidst the falling snowflakes.

“It’s been a long time. Four years…” Mr. Orion said, panting as our shoes stepped onto the sidewalk. “How have you been?”

I wrapped my arms around my jacket. The cold of the snow felt like it was tearing my skin. “Good. How about you, Sir?”

“Not bad.” He let out a long breath.

The last time we met was when I was twenty-three and he was thirty-three—when he said he liked me, but didn't love me. Now we met again in the same country, during a time of mourning. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, yet not a single word came out. We just stood in silence, looking into each other's eyes.

Glass bottles were lined up neatly in the cafe window. The yellow light glowed warmly. The door opened; we were greeted by a tinkling bell and a waitress with a lingering smile.

“What can I get you?” the waitress asked. “A kvass, please,” Mr. Orion replied.

“Why are you and Libra in Harbin?” Mr. Orion asked as we looked for seats among the crowded, chatting visitors.

“Libra is the Clinical Lead, building a small research unit in collaboration between campuses. I’m his research assistant in between my shifts as a medical intern. Even though there are often scheduling conflicts, Sir,” I replied while taking off my scarf. We sat facing each other.

A sliver of a smile graced his face, lightening the pain glowing in his eyes. “I’m happy for you… I’m sorry I never kept in touch with you all.”

I smiled faintly. A bottle of drink was delivered to our table, along with two glasses.

“How is Ara?” Mr. Orion asked.

“She’s well, Sir. Ara is the Principal Investigator, helping Libra’s research. She’s now a neuropsychiatrist subspecialist, and has a PhD in translational neuropsychiatry.”

His eyes were full of a proud spark. “Give her my congratulations.”

I nodded. A moment later, he let out a heavy sigh. His hand stopped as he placed his scarf on the table.

“I regret divorcing your sister. Coming home feels so lonely, but the truth is, it was the best thing for her…” he confessed, his body hunching under his thick jacket.

“I care for you just as I care for your sister. I had to let her go so she could focus on chasing her dreams, just like you.”

Ara is five years older than Mr. Orion. Their marriage lasted five years. Ara provided more advice in their household, but back then when Ara suffered from CPTSD, their marriage was like a ship without a captain and ended in divorce. Despite that, they could still greet each other warmly.

Not wanting to deepen the wound, I changed the topic. “Are you continuing your Master’s?”

“Yeah, i will, while studying neurotechnology. Focusing on brain signal processing, though I’m a year behind schedule.” He chuckled softly.

A moment of silence. I looked intently into his eyes. “Come home, Sir… Karina misses you like before,” I said honestly. Everyone has felt loss. I couldn't stand the four of us being so far apart.

He remained silent, letting my words evaporate into thin air.

“Do you think we can be happy?”

My breath hitched as his question echoed. Now Libra was an orphan just like us. It felt like every day brought a new sorrow. The feeling of numbness was no longer felt because we had become so immune to it.

I gripped the drink bottle tightly. Soda poured into his glass and mine. Taking a deep breath, I handed the glass to him. Then, my glass tapped his gently, making him smile softly.

Our lips sipped the drink. No words were exchanged. My head felt heavy from the winds of life. I choked, causing a small laugh to escape him, making my smile widen. Until I choked again, holding my heating cheeks.

Unable to hold it in, our small laughter flew along with the dark clouds.

⋆｡ ﾟ ☁︎｡ ⋆｡⚛︎ ﾟ ☾ ﾟ ｡ ⋆

The dark room was lit by the warm glow of the TV, the laughter from a comedy sketch show rising, as Ara smiled while leaning on the sofa, next to Mr. Orion who was chuckling while holding the remote.

Abu sat on the carpet. His paw poked at an image of a brain on a tablet, and his tongue licked my hand as I was debating with Libra. His tail swayed back and forth as Ara and Mr. Orion joined us on the carpet to argue over research.

Gradually, the long hand of the clock turned on the wall. The comedy show switched to cigarette commercials. Mr. Orion ruffled my bangs, closed my laptop, and turned off the TV—extinguishing the sound and light in the living room.

“Sleep, it’s late,” he said while smiling. He stood at his bedroom door; Libra was already asleep in his bed.

I nodded, then hurried to my room. I tightly hugged Ara, who was sound asleep, and Abu too.

This fragile wooden-walled house radiated warmth from its yellow lamps, and the cold outside actually soothed my heart and mind. Unknowingly, a platonically scientific bond had formed in this house full of grief.

The sparkling stars hung playfully around the crescent moon. I slept soundly wrapped in blankets and embraces. Truly, I love them and cannot let them go.

⋆｡ ﾟ ☁︎｡ ⋆｡⚛︎ ﾟ ☾ ﾟ ｡ ⋆

Before Season....

Next Season....