Chapter 9 — Take Care of Your Health (Numb in an Anonymous Embrace)

“Mom and Dad in heaven. Ara is thirty-seven years old now. Thank you for giving me a long life.” My sister prayed in front of our parents' portrait.

Two slices of cake were served in front of the photo. Ara fed me a bite, wiping the white cream that stuck to my lips. As she stepped back, my eyes immediately met Mr. Orion’s. Not only did she feed me, but Ara also affectionately fed her husband. Mr. Orion’s laughter danced as the cream spilled onto his shirt. He wiped a finger and then licked it.

A thin smile was plastered on my face.

In a few days, I would leave for America. Everything felt close and warm. Yet, that look never vanished. How could I erase it? If only there were a memory-erasing machine. I would be the first to buy it.

“How does it feel to study abroad?” A baritone voice flowed into my ears, prompting me to tilt my head and meet his eyes.

“Well, it feels like... studying,” I replied playfully. My hands rubbed together inside my pockets, seeking warmth.

Mr. Orion sat down beside me, next to the flower pots decorating the porch. His smile spread serenely, combed by the wind that brushed through his bangs. It triggered a grin on my lips, making me smirk to myself. Ah! I was an adult now. Yet, I still couldn't hold it back.

“What do you study in Neuroscience?” he asked curiously, as his eyes gazed intently at the stars. Small white dots, yet so beautiful as they scattered amidst the black. Why was that?

I adjusted my sitting position. “About the brain, molecular & cellular neuroscience, cognitive, behavioral, clinical... neuropharmacology.” I listed everything I could name. I couldn't stop—was I too happy?

“What do you like the most?”

I liked this question best. “Karina likes molecular & cellular neuroscience the most.” I looked into his eyes, enthusiastic about telling him about the brain.

“When you're near someone you like, dopamine makes your heart race, norepinephrine sharpens your alertness, and oxytocin provides a sense of warmth without the permission of logic. Karina just likes finding out why humans can feel happy, sad, or passionate.” Smiling broadly as I gazed into the lingering spark in his eyes, I realized I was oversharing.

I stared at the trees ahead and gave a nervous smile.

“You know what you like now, unlike before when you used to say you didn't know.”

I fell silent, motionless. He still remembered the words of a seventeen-year-old girl. Now I was twenty-two. How many years had it been? Ah. Five years.

“So, it's pretty much like Biology then?” he asked, making me nod in agreement.

His hand rested on the porch floor. His eyes continued to watch the stars above. He exhaled. “If we formed a team for a competition, we would definitely win.”

Turning, our eyes met. Accidentally, my gaze fell upon his lips. My breath caught, becoming heavy. I swallowed hard as he adjusted his position. His shoulders moved hesitantly for a moment. His eyes fixed on my lips. His Adam's apple moved up and down. His chest heaved, and so did mine.

“You guys aren't asleep yet?”

Startled, as if caught red-handed committing a crime, I stood up. Mr. Orion did too. He rubbed his hands and face. He licked his lips several times as if they were dry and seeking moisture.

“Why aren't you guys asleep?” Ara asked again, looking at Mr. Orion and me back and forth.

“Waiting for you, Sis,” I replied calmly, though every inch of my body felt frozen as if struck by a gale.

“Oh....” My sister smiled, still looking at us. “You should sleep, or you'll catch a cold.” Ara walked up the porch steps, passing me—who was still frozen—and Mr. Orion, who was scratching his head, as if something was itching.

I followed Ara, with Mr. Orion following behind.

Her shoes were kicked off. Her backpack hung heavily on her back. A thick jacket wrapped her body against the biting wind. Ara placed her backpack on the sofa, followed by her velvet jacket laid over it. Walking to the kitchen to get water, she drank while still glancing between me and Mr. Orion.

“Just go to sleep, why are you still here?” my sister asked as the thud of her glass touched the table. Yet, Mr. Orion and I remained standing awkwardly in the living room.

Ara walked into the hallway. The sound of her footsteps climbing the stairs echoed. Mr. Orion and I looked at each other. I didn't know what was on his mind. There was no sound except for my sister's footsteps filling the room. Followed by a sliding sound on the floor, ending with a thud.

Spontaneously, Mr. Orion and I ran to the hallway. Shocked, I immediately called a doctor. Mr. Orion panicked as he carried her.

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Ara had slipped and fallen on the stairs. Her body rolled down quickly, stopping at the last step. The doctor had examined her, and she was unconscious. She had a head injury. Mr. Orion stood dazed outside the hospital room, as did I.

I bit my finger. I should have never come back. I had disappointed them so many times, and now I had done it again. I felt as if I didn't even deserve to live on this earth.

We waited all day until my sister regained consciousness. Her head was bandaged. Her eyes stared blankly out the window. Mr. Orion entered the room with a pale face. I waited outside, watching through the gap in the door.

“Are you okay?” Mr. Orion's face was pale even though his lips were smiling, trying to be reassuring.

Pulling her eyes away from the window, she smiled at him. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“Your psychiatrist colleague came by earlier, brought a gift and flowers.”

She nodded. Standing up, Mr. Orion gazed intently at her. She looked down.

Locking eyes, she spoke, “Let’s stop this.”

Mr. Orion went silent.

“Let’s end it here.”

They looked at each other.

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“These are the divorce papers. I’ve already signed. The rest is your turn,” Ara said in the living room. I sobbed in my room, overhearing them.

The sound of paper sliding across the table could be heard.

“I love my sister just as much as I love you. I can’t hold onto you by myself....” my sister’s voice trembled. “We are both punishing ourselves by pretending to be happy.”

The sound of a chair creaking followed. Then, footsteps.

“Truly, I just want you to be okay,” Mr. Orion said softly.

“Truly, I am okay.” My sister closed the door slowly.

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My sister’s embrace broke amidst the bustle of the crowded airport. She looked into my eyes intently, her hand gently brushing my bangs.

“Forgive me, Karina. I couldn't be the best sister for you.” She kissed my forehead.

Slowly, I moved away. Moving away only meant filling pages with the glue of longing. Pulling the thread made it even stickier, unable to be released. There were only two choices: let the paper stick and ruin the thread, or cut the bond down to its fibers. That was my relationship with Mr. Orion. I had to let him go.

Hands waved as everything around me moved rapidly. Mom and Dad in heaven, forgive me. I didn't get the chance to visit your graves for the last time.

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Three months passed...

The night was at its darkest. The moon shone brightly through the window. I was lying on my bed while my dorm-mate decided to go out. My phone vibrated; it was a call from my sister.

“Sis? Where are you?” I asked, hearing the sound of strong wind over the phone.

“I’m on the road, Karina. Near the beach... how are you doing in America?”

“I’m good, Sis. How about you?” I sat up, grabbed my earphones, plugged them in, and hugged my pillow tightly.

“I miss everything, Karina.”

“Yeah, Karina does too.”

I heard her footsteps stop as the sound of waves filled my ears. “Wait a second, Karina. I’m hanging up, I see someone.”

I nodded even though she couldn't see it. I exhaled, lying back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“How are you?”

My heart sank; I was startled. A familiar baritone voice greeted her through the phone. Mr. Orion.

“I’m good, how about you?” my sister asked; it seemed she had forgotten to hang up the phone.

“I’m good.”

The sound of footsteps walking followed by the sound of splashing water grew louder.

“Do you think... would we have been okay if we had never met?” she asked softly.

Mr. Orion didn't answer.

“I don’t think so,” she replied.

The sound of drizzling rain could be heard.

“I don’t regret having lived with you,” she whispered.

There was a moment of silence before Mr. Orion spoke, “Truly, I am grateful... I hope you only remember the good things.”

“Goodbye.”

“Take care of your health, Ara.”

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