Chapter 2 — If Only I Could Read His Emotions (Numbness in Love and Minds)

Humans are infinite. There is so much I don't know yet, including emotions. A smile is associated with happiness, crying is interpreted as sadness, and shouting is equated with anger. However, emotions are not fixed biological structures. Referring to Barrett (2017), emotions are merely guesses made by the brain. One human cannot detect another's emotions just by their expression. Emotions are not entirely the same. That is what I learned during my time at the hospital—sometimes victims smile just to hide the violence.

“Dad!”

As I was about to head out for my night shift, I stopped in my tracks when I saw Rina laughing heartily. The thirteen-year-old girl was hugging Mr. Bisma—her stepfather, who had just returned home. Rina was the teenager I met at the beach, and she turned out to be our new neighbor. They used to live abroad.

“Oh, look at Rina laughing so hard. She is very happy with you,” said Mrs. Dian—Rina’s biological mother. The beautiful woman patted her husband’s shoulder.

I stood there, watching how tightly Mr. Bisma hugged Rina, even kissing the middle schooler’s cheek deeply until Rina giggled. Too close for a father. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Mrs. Dian realized I was watching them. The tall woman gave a thin smile. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly. Maybe I should tell her at the right time.

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The sound of an ambulance mixed with patients' voices, followed by footsteps and the sound of a gurney being pushed. The bright light seemed to pierce my eyes, disturbing my fragmented sleep.

“Karina, wake up,” a bass vibration echoed in my ear, followed by a crocodile plush pillow cradling my neck.

My eyes opened slowly, a sudden stiffness seizing my neck. I held my shoulder, my forehead furrowed. Why was there a pillow? My gaze sharpened on Libra, who was sitting next to me.

“If you're sleepy, just rest. Don't force yourself to do research. I feel bad for your neck, being bent down like that,” the psychiatric resident said, closing my laptop, and his own.

"I did rest earlier." Drowsiness still possessed me, my eyes blinking as I tried to focus. I took the pillow off my shoulder. It was cute—a green crocodile with a curled tail—instantly clearing my sleepiness.

“Where did you get the idea to give me a crocodile pillow?” I asked playfully, wagging the pillow in front of his eyes.

“From the gift you gave me when I won that competition... that crocodile bread.” His lips lifted slightly, his eyes staring at the bright light on the ceiling.

My cheeks puffed out. That was twelve years ago and Libra still remembered? Besides, that was a souvenir from my sister, not something I bought myself. I stood up, my smile widening in shy embarrassment. The crocodile now sat in my locker, on top of a stack of neurology books and Dimas's origami ducks. I stepped out of the resident's room. Libra quickly followed behind me.

“I think in a few days there will be a youth research project at the orphanage,” he said as we entered the lift.

Remembering, my eyes sparkled as I watched the flickering lift numbers. “Oh, for the emotional intimacy research?”

Libra nodded with a calm smile. “Sorry for troubling you,” he said sincerely. I gave him a thumbs up and a wide grin.

The doors opened, and we stepped out of the lift, greeted by the tired faces of visitors in the waiting room. And Ratna at the nurse station, her hands busy tidying papers in a folder.

“Ratna....” Libra hesitantly approached the OB-GYN resident. “Is your article finished?”

“Not yet,” the long-haired woman replied. Her tired eyes looked intently at Libra.

Several nurses walked in and out; the wall clock pointed to seven in the morning. I became the "third wheel" while looking around. Their conversation flowed toward the psychology of childbirth. They had often worked on projects together since high school. No wonder Libra was close to her. It seemed they liked each other, too.

Not wanting to disturb them, I stepped out of the hospital. Just standing in front of the minimarket waiting for the briefing, I yawned again, watching the hustle and bustle of people passing by. Suddenly, my eyes caught Maya, my high school best friend.

“Maya!” I shouted, calling her.

The brakes screeched loudly. The bespectacled girl looked around in confusion, as did Dion, who was sitting on the back. Once Maya saw me, she gave a toothy grin from behind her bogo helmet. Her slender legs scraped the asphalt, bringing her Scoopy parallel to me.

“Cie, are you two dating?” My voice rose as my smile took flight. I held the bracelet on Maya’s wrist. Those two architecture kids were wearing couple bracelets.

“Yeah, Maya asked me out first,” Dion said, his laughter breaking as Maya playfully smacked his helmet.

“Why didn't you tell me, May?” I asked, laughing heartily as I looked at Maya. Her cheeks were flushed red. Her lips curled in happiness. I had never seen Maya this happy.

“What about you? Still a loner even until you get gray hair,” Dion teased me, making my laughter vanish instantly.

“No one wants me, so I’ll just focus on work,” I replied quietly.

“Didn’t Dimas ask you out?”

“He didn’t.” I gave a toothy smile, looking confusedly at Dion and Maya, who were both frowning. “Congratulations to you both.” Just as my hand was about to shake theirs, Dion suddenly panicked and nudged Maya.

"Go, May. It's Dimas!" Dion hissed.

“Sorry, Na! We gotta go....” The engine revved, the Scoopy jumped onto the curb. “Say hi to Dimas, I’ll replace his sandals later!” she shouted as she sped away.

The bike sped recklessly down the empty street, making my nose flare as I held back laughter. I cracked up seeing that absurd couple.

“Na, Karina!”

I turned around at the sound of Dimas’s voice. We locked eyes. Everything slowly seemed to decelerate. Amidst the crowd of pedestrians, Dimas waved as he crossed the street. Who would have thought that mischievous boy would become a clinical pathology resident? He was tall, his sleek hair neatly combed, paired with trousers and super clean scrubs. I didn't expect him to be that tidy.

“I brought this for you.” Dimas smiled mischievously. His hand was clenched tightly in front of my eyes.

When his hand opened, a chain keychain appeared, with a yellow duck at the end.

“Why a duck?” I asked, stifling a smile.

“Your face looks like a duck.”

My laughter broke into the clouds. His eyebrows moved up and down, teasing me. Dimas loved joking about ducks, and I never got bored of it. My teeth felt dry from smiling too much. Quickly, I took the "duckling."

He stood beside me. “Has Mr. Orion arrived yet?” he asked briefly.

“Not yet,” I replied as I tucked Dimas’s duck away in my pocket.

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“Good morning, Doctors and Colleagues. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Orion, a Research Staff at this Teaching Hospital. I am thirty-eight years old. My background is a Bachelor of Biology and Neuroscience, and a Master of Science in Neurotechnology. Before joining here, I served for ten years as a Biology educator. I look forward to your assistance and cooperation."

The hospital hall was crowded with employees warmly welcoming Orion's arrival. Dimas was the most enthusiastic, looking around while chatting away. Libra and Ratna gave warm smiles. I gave a "Pepsodent" grin when Orion looked at me. Truly, it felt like a high school reunion.

“I didn’t expect Mr. Orion to follow my advice to become a research staff here,” Dimas whispered as everyone moved to the front for a group photo.

“Oh, you were the one who suggested Mr. Orion come here, Dim?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah... it’s great, right? Now we’re on the same level as the 'killer teacher'. We can finally get our revenge.” He gave a horse-like grin.

The photographer adjusted the camera position. Doctors lined up while making small talk. Residents squeezed into the middle, between the doctors and staff. I stood next to Libra. That innocent guy was still busy discussing journals with Ratna. Dimas stood behind us, heaven knows what for.

“Come here, Mr. Orion. Don’t stand so far away,” Dimas quipped with a mischievous smile, pulling Orion who was standing alone in the corner.

Slowly, Orion stood beside me. His eyebrows went up and down as his lips formed a nervous smile. It made me want to laugh.

“Congratulations, Sir, on your 'career shift',” I joked with a toothy smile. My hand reached out to greet the air.

He chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkling beautifully. His hand gently shook mine.

“Promise me you won't be awkward when we research together. Don't hesitate to explain or correct me....” he said with a sincere smile that made me catch my breath. “You are as senior as I am now... Doctor Karina,” he added.

"I promise." I looked intently into his eyes.

With a toothy smile, we let go of the handshake. The photographer was ready. Lined up neatly, everyone looked at the camera. I smiled beautifully.

“Ready! 1—2—3!”

An arm draped over my shoulder. Turning m

y head, we locked eyes.

Click!

The photo was taken. As it turned out, Dimas’s hands were around both my shoulder and Orion’s. Everyone else in the photo was smiling at the camera. Only Orion and I were not.

The radiant sky embraced the sun, which smiled cheerfully. Expressionless, Orion and I just stared at each other instead.

Truly, if only I could read his emotions.

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