Chapter 5 — Displacing Longing onto Many Faces (Numbness in Love and Minds)

 The curtains fluttered gently, dampening the cold wind as the drizzle whispered longing at the window, lulling patients into deep dreams of meeting loved ones on the moon.

“Sleep tight, Ma’am.” I adjusted Mrs. Sari's blanket. She was a mother suffering from bipolar disorder after the death of her child.

“Son, I miss you, Son. Be at peace there. Don’t miss me....” Her voice echoed faintly in my ear, followed by a gentle stroke on my hair.

I held my breath, gently grasping her wrist and lowering it slowly.

“The longing feels heavy, doesn't it, Mrs. Sari?” I said softly. “If the longing comes, you can tell me. But for now, please rest. I am here.”

Ayu peeked from behind the curtain. “Doctor, Mrs. Sari has taken her night medication,” the new nurse whispered.

I nodded. “Thank you, Ayu. Please monitor her sleep.”

Truly. Mrs. Sari's face reminded me of my late mother. Her touch, her voice, even her sorrowful expression. My eyes closed as her hand brushed my palm. Slowly, Mrs. Sari drifted off to sleep.

Mrs. Sari was transferring her longing into my body. I wasn’t her child. And I let it happen. Not because I didn't know the boundaries, but because I wanted to replace what was lost, to soothe a wound that struggled to heal. This is what is called transference. An old wound seeking a new home.

Outside the curtain, I quickly wrote in the progress notes: sad mood, longing for child, no suicidal ideation, disturbed sleep.

The clock at the nurse station pointed to seven. The shift felt longer than usual.

“Ayu, I’m heading home first. Please keep an eye on Mrs. Sari,” I asked Ayu.

“Take care, Sis.” Ayu smiled gently.

“I will.”

Ah. I was unprofessional. At clock-out time, I locked myself in the staff restroom. The sound of running water muffled my sobs. I wiped my cheeks and stepped out.

“Na?” Dimas appeared at the doorway with a worried face. “Why are you crying?” he asked, approaching me in a whisper.

I looked down, trying to turn away from him.

“Your eyes and nose are red, you know,” he said, his face leaning closer to examine my expression.

With a toothy grin, I squinted my swollen eyes and gave a thumbs up.

“Tell me, Na... even though we’re just friends, I don’t want to see you sad,” he said softly. His eyes gazed deep into mine.

Since high school, I had never seen his gaze this gentle. Even the way he spoke was so calm, soothing my tightness. It was different from his usual playful and joking nature. He had always helped and accompanied me during college and work.

His presence felt so comfortable, calming my tears as the drizzle subsided. It was as if I was borrowing his body to patch a hole that wouldn't heal. A sense of loss looking for another body to inhabit. This is displacement.

“Are you... busy or do you have an appointment with the consultant?” I asked hesitantly.

“No... why?” He looked at me intently.

“I’m off tomorrow... would you like to eat ice cream while watching the fountain?” I asked, clutching my pocket tightly.

Smiling, he nodded slowly.

The roadside was lined with pebbles. Next to the hospital and close to home. The bright garden lights decorated the scene beautifully. Bodies wrapped in jackets and long pants. Dimas and I stood in front of the fountain. Enjoying the cold water splashing in the pond, as if playfully entertaining us after the rain. Ah, I was reminiscing. It felt like a memory of when my small body was carried high in the clouds.

“This is good, you know,” Dimas said, snapping me out of my daydream. His hand held a giant ice cream. Cone, taro flavor.

The wrapper was opened. He offered the ice cream to me.

“The color is too beautiful to eat,” I said honestly while tidying my wind-blown bangs.

“Just a little bit.”

I shook my head with a toothy grin, wiping the water from my cheeks.

Suddenly, the corner of his lips quirked into a laugh. I wondered what was in his head.

“Close your eyes so you don't see the color.”

Slowly, my eyes closed. Everything went dark. The emptiness felt even more profound. Only the sound of plastic rustling against the splashing water could be heard. The cold wind seemed to dampen my face.

Second by second passed, my breathing slowed, as something soft touched my lips. Melting and swallowing gently. Unmasking, I was intoxicated. Cold and sticky, it dampened my lips. The sensation of taro dissolved and seeped between my lips. Breath fanned across my face. My eyes opened slowly, and I saw Dimas chuckling mischievously in front of me.

“Your eyes aren't red anymore....” He gave a lethal smile. The moon seemed to sink into his face. “Instead, it’s your cheeks that are red... like a boiled crab.”

I cupped my cheeks. They felt so warm.

“You must be thinking about something naughty, aren't you?”

Dimas wiggled a Yupi gummy covered in ice cream. Even the Yupi plastic was torn by teeth. His eyebrows arched up and down, triggering my laughter to burst. The rustling water cooled my skin and his. It didn't feel like the rain had completely vanished when I was with him.

He gave the ice cream to me. Sticky and melting onto my hand, I was confused about how to finish it.

“Do you want some?” I asked, my mouth cold from eating the ice.

He shook his head while smiling. “If I join in, indirectly we would....” He was cut off as his phone rang.

Dimas answered the call.

“Sorry, Sir... yes, the data is still on the hospital computer. I’ll head there now,” Dimas said, his face turning tense.

Lightning clashed in the sky, bringing a drizzle to dampen the ground. The ice melted further and my jacket was slightly wet. Spontaneously, Dimas's hand shielded my head. He let his own hair get wet in the rain.

“Karina, I’m sorry. I’m being called by the consultant regarding the article,” he said, full of guilt.

“Eh, it’s okay. I’m already a hundred percent happy because of you, Dim,” I said honestly, showing my teeth again. Genuinely trying to cheer him up so he wouldn't feel pity. Though my eyes were blinking from the rain.

“I’m sorry, Karina... I’m going to the hospital. I’ll have someone pick you up later.”

It was a shame there was still so much ice cream left. Dimas had already run off, leaving me in the mist. I walked home alone, not realizing I was already near the beach. My shoes stepped on the sidewalk, my lips cold from sucking the ice. I let my body be washed by the rain just this once. It was nothing, just small droplets; I wouldn't get sick.

“Karina.”

Suddenly, bright car lights shone on me. The wheels pulled over and the door opened. An umbrella was held as the driver stepped out. Approaching me, his black shoes stepped in front of me.

The umbrella shielded my head, regardless of his worn-out shirt being washed by the mist, or his tired face trying to smile.

“Why are you eating ice cream in the rain?” was the first question he chose, punctuated by two dimples on his cheeks, followed by a small chuckle escaping his lips.

“To feel like I’m at the pole, Sir.” Not funny, yet strangely we both laughed. Even worse, the drizzle subsided, leaving both of us staring at the sky in confusion.

“Strange, Sir... it’s like a soap opera,” I said, sending his laughter flying with the clouds.

“Dimas told me to pick you up.... Let’s go home.”

The umbrella lowered, the wind blowing through my short hair and his comma hair. Our eyes met, under the dim streetlights. I realized my hand was tingling. Ice dampened my wrist.

“Sir, help me finish this,” I asked while licking the ice.

He just shook his head with a smile.

“It’s good, Sir.”

“I don't like the color, it’s too flashy.”

“Close your eyes so you don't see the color.”

Slowly, I closed the distance. I stood on my tiptoes, prompting him to close his eyes. My hand hadn't yet reached to cover his gaze. Silence, my eyes observed his face. Expressionless, his breath seemed to stop with mine.

Hesitantly, I touched his lips with my ice cream.

“There.” His shoes stepped back as the cold dampened his lips.

Near Mr. Orion, there was a small part of me that wanted to return—seeking a calm figure who seemed able to protect. It wasn't just about him. It was about me not having finished grieving. Because of Mrs. Sari, I realized how much my feelings were being dragged along. A patient's wound woke the wound I had buried. This is countertransference.

“Sir....” I looked intently into his eyes. “Please accompany Karina on the swings, just this once.”

The cone was held tight in my hand, the ice melting under the light. My eyes felt heavy from crying. I struggled to smile while waiting for his response. His gentle eyes scanned my face, and my swollen eyes.

“Karina wanted to meet you, Sir.... Karina missed you,” I whispered like a falling leaf blown by the wind. “Karina just wants things to go back to how they were, Sir,” I pleaded softly.

He went silent, then nodded hesitantly. “Just for a moment.”

Neon lights flickered in crisscross patterns. Leaves circled the swing posts. My shoes scraped through the sand as laughter flew high with my body. Sorrow was blown away by the strong wind. It felt like Mother was pushing me. We flew together with laughter. Muffled by the sound of waves that seemed to be dancing. And Mr. Orion beside me, his joy could no longer be contained, growing louder as the swing was pushed harder.

“Whoever goes the furthest and highest wins... one wish granted,” I shouted into the air. The surroundings were quiet, only our words filled the space.

“Okay.” He laughed.

Clouds blew with the wind, followed by the swing arching high, echoing laughter and shouts. We jumped at the same time. Eyes squeezed shut. Everything felt slow. My body felt as if it were floating, my feet scraping the air. If only my soul could fly, soaring high into heaven.

Until my body fell, laughter mingling with groans. My eyelids slowly opened, as did his. Locking eyes, we chuckled. Accidentally, I fell on top of him. My elbow pressed against his chest, making him groan in pain.

“My back hurts, I can’t get up.” He laughed, his hands stretched out wide.

My body felt crushed, I lay back on the sand, my hair caught.

“Ah, my hair, Sir,” my voice was hoarse with high-pitched laughter, making him turn instantly.

“Are you okay?” he asked, still laughing while scanning my face.

The flickering lights seemed to intoxicate me. His elbow rested on the sand, narrowing my breathing space. We were so close, my heart was racing. The sound of waves mesmerized the surroundings. My lips kept giggling as my eyes observed every inch of his face. His comma hair blowing in the wind. His gentle, sleepy eyes, paired perfectly with his thin mustache, thick eyebrows framing a sharp jawline. And his full red lips. The full moon seemed painted on his face.

“Why are you...?” His deep voice resonated in my ear.

His breath fanned my face, as if mimicking mine. Repeatedly, his eyes looked at mine and then my lips. His lips held a lingering laugh just like mine. We were swept away in the moonlight, numbed by time, dampening the pain that seemed to melt away.

“Karina just realized you have a thin mustache....” My whisper thinned as if swallowed by the strong wind. “It’s cool... Sir.”

Spontaneously, my index finger touched his mustache, triggering a bashful chuckle before he quickly stood up. He looked guilty and distanced himself from me.

I blinked rapidly, my chest heaving. I didn't know what possessed me to be brave enough to touch him. It felt wrong yet it felt right. Why did it feel so pleasant yet so painful?

“I’ve never heard anyone compliment a mustache,” he said as if to clear the air, while his lips gave a stiff laugh. He pulled me up.

His hand brushed the sand off his sleeves. I followed his movements. Silent, speechless. The sky was consumed by the rhythm of the wind, calming the longing breath for someone's presence. Losing two loved ones had snatched away our souls, as we sat in the middle of the sand, before the moaning waves, staring intently at the full moon embraced by grey clouds.

The night drew the day to a close; one thing I began to realize: I had been transferring that longing onto many faces. The dim stars lingered long in the crescent of the moon. I had tried every way. Yet, my longing could not be erased. Mother and Father, I want to see you.

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Previous Chapter....

The next chapters of this novel has been removed because it’s going to be published. Please look forward to the book! <3 Thank you so much for reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts and support in the comments, and feel free to share the link if you enjoyed it. Stay spirited, everyone! <3